S*** My Kids Say
When you’re working as an ESL teacher, you’ll know that there are frustrating, pull-out-your-hair, why am I doing this kind of days; but you also know that there are the amazing moments when you laugh, smile, and generally have you heart melted by the “I swear they’re demon spawn” kids who have, somehow, still managed to get under your skin and into your heart. These are some of the moments where they melt my, sometimes too easily broken, stern teacher facade.
Context: Teaching jobs and “I want to be a _______”
14 yr.old guy: I don’t need a job
Me: Why’s that?
14 yr.old guy: I’m a fashionista!
Context: About to get mad at group of Middle, Gr.2 boys
Me: *big breath before explosion of fury*
14 yr.old guy: teachah, your eyes.
Me: *confused now* yeah? *no more fury, damn it I’m intrigued*
14 yr.old guy: your eyes, so emerald. very pretty.
Me: raised eyebrow *you know the word emerald?? but “umbrella” is a no?*
14 yr.old guy: but your nose, so big!
Me: sigh, laugh. *shake head. well, my eyes are emerald at least*
Context: Middle School Gr. 3s, post-exam quiz class. Kids have to answer questions by writing on their white boards, the first team to put up their board with the right answer gets a point.
Guy 1: Teachuh, hardddd…
Me: You can do it! *laughs as he sighs dramatically*
Guy 1s board: *frantically writing. holds up board* Will marry me?
Me: *laugh.shake head*
Guy 1s board: You pretty. marriage me.
Me: *laugh again. ignore again*
this goes on for 15 minutes, the total messages included: you cute, marry me plese, i want you (*pardon me?*), i love you, cute cat, pretty teacher, and “LOVE“.
Me: *sigh. ignore. again. and again. and again.*
Context: playing a clean version of Cards Against Humanity with my Gr.3 middle school kids.
*and if you don’t know what Cards Against Humanity is then 1)are you living under a rock? do you not like joy in your life?, and 2)it’s a complete the sentence with the words on your own cards, hilarious sentence making kind of game*
Me: walk over to guy group.
Guy1: teacher no, go away!
Me: *curiosity: engaged* walk closer to look at cards on table.
AllGuys: laughing. hytserically.blushing.
Me: read the cards. try not to die laughing.
The Cards: “I will bring world peace with: a banana, a bra, a tongue, and a toilet seat”
Me: Guys. *omg.I will pee myself. I will be fired. Hope my co-teacher doesn’t see this. I love these kids.*
Context: still cards against humanity. different guy group. Guys: deciding which one is funniest. fierce looks of concentration.
Me: wide eyes. press lips firmly.
Guy1: hmmm. this is funny. picks egg.
Me: *oh god. they don’t know why this is funny* smile and nod.
The Cards: “I am talented in: tent, bed, bra, banana, egg”
Context: listening to Frozen’s let it go at the beginning of grade 2 middle shool class
Guy1: *walks into class prancing. On his tip toes. With his arms waving.*
Me: *no longer surprised*
Guy1: *prances right up to me. Still pretending to twirl to let it go. Singing loudly. *
Guy1: *stops twirling. Looks me dead pan in the eyes.* Teachah, I am black boy.
Me: *wtf?* I don’t think so bud, sorry.
Guy1: Teachah, I want to be cool black boy.
Me: *seriously, wtf?* Yeah bud? Ok. How are you going to do that? *I’m curious now*
Guy1: *raises arms dramatically. Inhales dramatically.* Let it gooo, let it gooo.
*I try to erase the dumbfounded look from my face as he continues to prance to his seat. Apparently, I can still be surprised.*
Context: waiting for kids to settle in before class starts *Me, chatting to some kids as 2 boys sit down at the front of class* Guy 1: teachah, look good. Me: Pardon? Guy 2: teachah, you look good. Me: Thanks *shakes head and laughs ruefully* Guy 1: teachah, body (makes the shape of a female body) is so slim. Marriage me? Me: *I don’t get paid enough for this*